Collection of Best Jokes!

(1)

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”



(2)

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”



(3)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”



(4)

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

You Got A Lot? You Win!

People today are more attach to importance of QUANTITY than QUALITY… for example guys today always compare how many girlfriend they have than how good and pretty their girlfriend are… so if one got more shit than others, one will win..



The fact is, if your friend have a girlfriend look like the girl on the right, but you have 10 girlfriend look like the girl on the left, you win!


Here is another incredible example,


That woman bear 7 babies in one birth… according to the news report, she actually have 9 fetus inside her stomach but two of it die before they come out from the dark place.. Maybe is too mess inside there and cause some complication.. However, she still managed to bear out 7 babies! She Win!


Another unreal but real example,


This Islam Negro got 86 WIVES and 170 SONs OR DAUGHTERs!!! Unfortunately, the Islam law in his country only allowed him to keep 4 wives or else he will need to face the death penalty! However, He win!

So, if you wish to win, you should get whatever as many as you can! Then, YOU WIN!

Patriotism Going Slow and Silence..

Today, 31th August 2008 is the 51th year anniversary for our country of free themselves from those ang-mo kidnaper… this day just like the day which raya, cny, gawai and deeppapali all combine into one.. Government will spend all they can for a big party for all the citizen come together and jerit-jerit for ‘MERDEKA!’ at Padang Merdeka..


But this year is a bit different and 31th August seem no longer that important… and is hard to see ppl hanging the jalur germilang on top of their car or buildings..


Today, ppl are are more concern abt how they gona spend their insufficient salary for the next month or headache abt how they gona save wudever they can to survive in this country… It seem like the day of 16th September is more significant for them since Anwar Ibrahim said the new government will be form at that day and he just got his first big step to assault into parliament this Tuesday and try to find his way to take over Pak Lah position…

Eh please la…. Show some merdeka spirit la!!!! let me show you how patriotic U6A1 can be…


Negaraku….. darah tumpah ke tanah tu… rakyat hidup…. sengsara dan miskin…. ramai(gov) bahagi… sumber yang tuhan kurniakan~~~ That’s all la, kenot sing more later masuk lokap ar..

LCH here sincerely wish all Malaysian and friends who read this have a happy independence day!..

Worst Candidate Ever!

This Tuesday, 26th August.. there was a small election in Pulau Pinang area P.44 Permatang Pauh!


Candidate including Our future leader Anwar Ibrahim from Party keadilan, Arif Shah Oman Shah who can speak well in mandarin from Barisan Nasional and Finally is a weak old pak cik who only known as Hanafi and always put table clothe on top of his head from party AKIM..



That’s the final result of the election and its won by Anwar Ibrahim with 15671 of majority votes! But that is not something extraordinary since the result is expected to be like that! What so extraordinary abt the result is how ugly Hanafi from party AKIM lost! He only got shame 92 votes out of 46811 votes! Not even reach hundred!!

That’s why ppl always said, if your head not big enough, dun wear big hat!!

Collection of Lame Jokes

Pls laugh..

1. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

2. What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".

3. What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

4. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

5. How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.

6. Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetahs!

7. Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!

8. Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

9. What do you call a with no eyes? No idea. (no eye deer) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.

10. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

11. A man was in an elevator, and the operator kept calling him, 'son'. So the man said, 'why do you keep calling me son? You're not my father!' And the operator replied, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

12. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

13. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.""Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

14. What's brown and sticky? A stick.

15. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

16. Why you keep reading these ? cuz u as lame as these jokes!! Lol.. Just kidding!

Funny Cosmetic Pruduct’s Name

Nowadays is very usual too see lady make up to cover and hide these hole on their face, just like JKR replenish the broken road. Some girls even make up their face til thick thick as thick as great wall china! But better dun touch it ar! FRAGILE!!


But that is not the point for this post! The focal point is how does girls choose the cosmetic product for themselves. Brand? Price? Popularity? No… I noticed that its actually by the name of the products.. As you can see today, more popular the product are, more stranger the name it own!!

This is wud I mean:

SK-II

First we got SK-II. SK²?? does it mean SUKU-SUKU?? Ya I think so, SK² is the short form for suku-suku right?? So… Has you got use the suku-suku product??

sasa

Then we got SASA…. 傻傻？so is SASA or傻傻?? or maybe we can call it as DUMBDUMB lo… so put dumbdumb on your face, make it as dumb as you like just with dumbdumb products!

OLAY!!!

That is the very famous facial product, OLAY!!!!! Olay is the word I used to sarcastic ppl when ppl did something funny and embarrass then I will say: BUUUUU!!!! OLAY! OLAY! SIA SOI AR YOU…!! OLAY!!

SILKYGIRL

Finally here we got SILKY GIRL… lol… sound more like SILLY GIRL!! or maybe silky girl is just for silly girl??

The conclusion is, more funny a product’s name, more girls will like it!!

NOTE: This post have no prejudice elements to girls who make up! It just a post, nothing personal!

Perpaduan Teras Kerjayaan!

logo of Perpaduan Teras Kerjayaan

Due to the 51th year of kemerdekaan, government come up with a brand new theme and slogan called “PERPADUAN TERAS KERJAYAAN” mean unite is root of success… They even pay a pak cik name wud pak ngah to create a patriotic song with that name <click here to listen>… I so so so so so agree with that slogan and unite as one! But….


Perpaduan ya??!!

hindraf group

First we can see the PUAK INDIAN doing huge demonstrate in KL against the biased government..

the very kiasu of bumiputera

Then we can see hundreds of UiTM students(PUAK BUMIPUTERA) from different states(west Malaysia) protest against the propose that let out 10 percent of UiTM position for none bumiputera.. RACISM!!

Here is another protest by duno wud puak and duno for wud ar!… haih… nowadays ppl all song beh song go out protest! His father dint give him 2 ringgit, he go out protest! His mother forgot to give him breast feed, he oso go out protest… here protest, there protest.. got use meh? can't see any effect by protest ler..


PERPADUAN TERAS KERJAYAAN! Now I finally know why Malaysia still tidak ada kerjayaan and left so so behind… It is because Malaysia tidak ada perpaduan wujud at all ma… That’s why tidak ada kerjayaan lo..

Dirty Beach For Lame Holiday!

This week is my school holiday and its so boring to just stay at home!! so this Thursday we went to a beach 20 plus kilometers from kuching called pasir pandak to get some fresh air and play KITE!!

pasir pandak beach

This beach is a bit different with others cuz its so so so dirty! u can see rubbish all the beach and you can easily find baby diaper in the water! no one will dare to play in the water except only those LAKIA who live there…


LCH quite pro at doing kampong stuff like fishing and play kite..

flying in the sky~~

Just the first try, I successfully fly the kite to the air.. so easy… you thought so! That’s wud my friend thought!

He thought is just piece of cake to fly the kite so he wana try as well.. Just like what I expected, he try, and try, and try for millions time balu he success to fly the kite up..

my kite hanging up there

But only know how to fly is still not enough! We must know how to land too.. So, in the end the kite failed to land and tersangkut on the big tree.. SEE! dun wana listen my advise lar.. that’s y!


Then we have a walk around the beach see what else can we do.. and we found an interesting thing to do… Is to catch the crab.. actually is not crab la.. It just looked like crab and ppl called it as “MA KEE”.. and we caught one big ma kee which have pair of strange eyes.. we decided to let it go since we so good heart..


That's the MA KEE we caught and release lo...

So, play kite, catch ma kee.. That’s my holiday activities lo!! Lame holiday…

Behind The Scenes

Beijing Olympic Games just starts last week with a amazing opening ceremony… Finally China got the attention from all around the world… China knew they couldn’t afford to fail this time cuz they spent multi-billion dollar on it.. so they will do whatever to make sure all going right.

Last Friday, 08 of 08 of 08 of 08 of 08, The new built national stadium of china or so call the BIRDNEST flash with various fantastic show and one of the show was a little china girl(林妙可) sing a china patriotic song called “歌唱祖国”. why the song name called歌唱祖国 and not 国祖唱歌 hor?? sound better ler..

Birdnest

But do you know that, the song wasn’t really sang by her and the voice you all heard is actually from another not that cute and pretty little girl’s voice and it had recorded before that day and just play the record that night!! I c… so the live show wasn’t a live show anymore lar??

林妙可

This is the girl that chosen to do fake performance and simply move her lips infront of the audience!! just becuz she is cuter and prettier so she been chosen.. As you can see china is too care about their face and image.. they dare only to show the good and hide the bad one… That’s CHINA!! “Fake World, Fake Dream”!

杨沛宜

This is the girl who really sang the song!! she is not as pretty as the other one but I think still no problem for her to come out and sing right?? She sing the song, but others get the name…so unfair!! bopiam la… MADE IN CHINA ba, What to do??

Made By Government Never Looked So Good

This is Sarawak General Hospital (SGH), the eldest and biggest hospital in Sarawak! Pll called it as “tua eiok phang” or “cheng hu eiok phang” cause its big and under government..




This is how its looked like 20-30 years ago, with only a 8 floors main building and few small lousy lab.. I hardly found this picture in google.. it looked really dreadful and and haunted!! ppl without serious matter wont simply visit it…




This is Sarawak General Hospital today, brand new glossy… like no other than a 5 stars hotel.. inside the building all looks really nice and clean… ppl no sick also try to be sick to be there(one of them is my friend Alvin lo)! some even came with whole kampong of ppl juz to visit a sicker..

double bed room

That’s how the patient room looked like… not bad right?

toilet

Toilet seem very clean and glossy too…

meal

Food looked ERM….. if mai hiam still can tahan la.. see! still got one big chicken drumstick kok… and free of charge!! if you stay at hotel still need to call for room service and make expensive order, here no need.. time come, food automatic come!! in the end of the day, you only need to pay RM25 for 2 day one night!! very cheap right?? cheap stay, cheap eat still got pretty nurse take care of you.. where else can you get this kind of offer???

Not bad not bad… it has changes a lot!! only the name hasn’t change yet, if I got the authority to do whatever I wan with the hospital, I will change the name into “ Sarawak General Hostel”, and my slogan is, NOW EVERYONE CAN STAY…

Government DOGTOR!!

Behind the hand is the VIP, very in-patient person Alvin Foo..


This Monday when I having my pra-penggal test, suddenly came a sms from Alvin Foo, and the first thing he said was “ My name is Alvin foo soi boy. U sarcas me at ur blog now I go in hospital again!!” And I was like WOW! My blog got so powerful until can make ppl going in hospital meh?! then balu he told me his first operation of fixing his BROKEN LIGAMENT last November done no good and he was called for another operation!! My chicken!! I wonder how the doctor explain to Alvin abt the badly done of his ligament..

Doctor(on the phone) : Alvin Foo ar!! how are u?? Remember me the Dr. XX?? last time operate u that one ar… soli to tell u ar, we need to cut open ur knee again bo, cuz we left a scissors and a cola can inside..





Alvin’s little sissy scar on his knee… alvin got this scar last November.. Vin, urs for me is nothing la… urs got as long as mine o not??






My very big man scar on my tummy…I got this since 12 years old in one big operation to take out some useless spare part from my body.. Yes, im not a perfect human being anymore since that..


Alvin he actually trying to get my sympathize la.. and wan me to write something good abt him in blog… hahaha.. so I went to visit him on the next day lo… Tuesday, LCH even escaped exam simply wana visit this VIP and in the morning, another SMS came from him said “Wei, no need come liao, I giv u make soi ki, doctor make wrong time ask me come back on 1st september” !!! My god, is you trying to play me or the doctor trying to play you?? where on earth got doctor like this one so lousy one meh?? !! Schedule also can make wrong!!

Doctor : Alvin foo ar, so soli again to tell you that, we need to wait until 1st of September for the cola cans collector mak cik come back from kampong so that she can collect the cola can inside you knee for recycle.. dun wana waste mar.. recycle save earth!! soli ar...

Hope things like that will never happen to me!!

Beware Of Charity Cheaters!!

That’s the stall next two stall from mine last sunday, selling handmade greeting cards… Actually these cards are very nice piece of work.. ppl likes it.. BUT, the person(that spectacles aunty) who selling these cards was really a piece of SHIT, SHAME, SUCKER wudever!! his husband(not inside the photo) as well.. we know them since last year at the raise fund foodfair by my society STS! this couple apply and set up a stall under the name Irene lim and andy chai! probably is their own real name.. in the end of the day, we found out they were cheater and charity foodfair usually is their target place to make money.. same thing happen at the charity foodfair by SCCS last year!!.. their stall was just infront of mine!! and it was so obvious with what they did!! (they keep the money paid by customer, reuse the coupon paid by customer to buy things or food for their own etc..)..



IRENE LIM and ANDY CHAI!! BEWARE OF THIS TWO EVILDOER!!

SCCS Food Fair

Last Sunday, there was a annual raise fund foodfair at kuching civic centre by Sarawak Children Cancer Society, again LCH and friends set up a stall that day.. We are selling Butter Chicken and Honey Chicken with Mushroom rice.. RM6 PER PACK! yala… wud to do… charity food fair mar.. price must high high…

lousy booth

That’s our food stall, had you ever seen a foodfair booth as lousy as like this one.. a huge table with only 2 pack of chicken rice for display and 3 word tag.. seriously if im the customer, that’s the last stall I gona visit.. VISIT ONLY, wont buy cuz its too expensive for that.. I admit that we actually make a wrong decision to sell the butter and honey chicken rice cuz.. the cost of making all the rice and chicken is RM300, after sold out all of it we make only RM485.. which mean we only get RM185 of untung bersih!! as a business student and veteran of charity foodfair seller… im SHAME with that!!





The best stall of the day!! run by hong-yan sdn bhd, no fancy decoration… just some famous Taiwan meat ball and some Taiwan sausage!! The Taiwan sausage was so so so delicious!!! that’s y its my best stall of the day!! quality first!!

Taiwan d**k

The best food of the day! RED HOT JUICY!! Oi, it just a sausage ok?? dun bend you mind pls…

Uncle group!!

The best band group of the day! Live band performed by some uncles… dun see those uncle like that and think them kenot sing ar!! they sang Chinese song like “xiao wei” and “the moon regards of my heart” can even attract malays one ar…. Uncles rockZ!

Malaysian got talent!

The best talent of the day! Look at that lil girl dancing there!! rocks the crowd all over!! So dun think that you can only see brave lil girl on tv show like “british got talent” or at Beijing Olympic opening ceremony nia ar!! here in kuching civic centre one not bad too.. MALAYSIAN GOT TALENT TOO!!

Datin: MUACKSS!!

The person of the day! I owez forgot her name!! my friend just told me her name few weeks ago and now I forgot liao.. I think is Datin Laila or Lola or Laura.. duno why so hard to remember.. on the left is the president of the Sarawak children cancer society..

Datin Lalalalalalala…

Look at the photo!! the blue shirt uncle on the second left, does he know how to use the camera??? and the MAK CIK bodyguard on the middle!! she looks so dissatisfied!!

Ampun tuanku…

The best of out of topic of the day!! that day is foodfair day right?? and why suddenly got malay doing wedding ceremony there one?!! what the heck.. maybe next time I should also do something at the foodfair like birthday party lo… so it become charity birthday party lo.. ARR~~ I so confuse!!

Kuching City Turn Into Dark Twice!!

Just a moment before, WHOLE OF KUCHING lost it electricity for abt 45 minutes!! It start at 6.30pm and recover at 7.15pm. Whole kuching turn into dark, no traffic light, no road light, traffic out there are completely chaos, shops all stop doing business, it just like kuching is shutting down and going to face THE DOOMSDAY!


Im so curious, so I have a walk around the neighbourhood and round a big circle to see what is going on… I also took some photo before I back home..

Shell petrol station out of business….

Traffic jam!!

Shops shutting down…

After having short walk outside, I decided to go home since the sky become darker out there…

Just a few step to reach house, electricity finally back!! RELIEVE… kuching city is still alive!!

Luckily, if not then im going to have KFC candlelight dinner with momok lo…

Soon after I finish eating the fried chicken, CHICKEN!!!! SHIT happen again!!(8.05pm) and 25 minutes later, 8.30pm it’s all back to normal liao.. Hope no third time liao.. I had enough!!